I'm in love! (love addiction)

Ashley Wells, Wisdom Quarterly; Ann Smith (Healthy Connections/PsychologyToday.com)

Danger, drama: Lana Del Rey wants the whole world to love her (New York Times)

Evolution of the parasite: Tapeworm, Flea, Leech, Vampire Bat, Banker...Love Addict

 

How To Break the Pattern of Love Addiction

Reinvent Yourself: future focus

Part 2. Might as well face it if you're "addicted" to love. Love does not cure all, not even close.

 

Rachel Uchitel, an alleged Tiger Woods' mistress, spoke openly about her addiction to love because of her participation in Dr. Drew Pinksy's "Celebrity Rehab." For many people this may be the first time they ever heard about love addiction, so here's a popular post about the topic from last year:

 

First things first. Take this brief quiz to see if you are likely a "love addict."

When is love an addiction?

1. Did you once think that if only someone loved you in that "special way" you would be happy for the rest of your life?

2. Were you/Are you pre-occupied with the notions of love as expressed in music, movies and fiction?

3. Have you ever tried to talk yourself into loving someone you weren't particularly fond of because you needed the love NOW?

4. Have you felt the need to prop up or do a total makeover on your partner early on in your relationship rather than admit that he/she wasn't right for you and end it?
5. Have you stayed in a bad relationship or repeatedly returned to an ex-partner because you couldn't stand to be alone?
6. When you are in a committed relationship do you wonder if you chose the RIGHT one or fantasize about a lover from your past, thinking you should have kept him or her and then you would be happier?
7. Have you used the words "soul mate" in reference to how love should be? ...

Not crazy in love, getting paid

No need to score or rate yourself. If you suspect you are a love addict -- don't feel too badly about it. I was a member of the love addicts club for a good portion of my life as well. I too was in love with love.

I have built my career on this issue, working with ordinary people who are lost when it comes to finding and sustaining a healthy relationship, stuck in a cycle of pain and disappointment in others and themselves.

They believe that either they just can't find the right one or that the early infatuation waned and they are no longer "in love." Some jump from one relationship to another in search of that wonderful feeling they once had.
 
Others stay, despite feeling dissatisfied, harboring secret thoughts of leaving, cultivating emotional affairs, or cheating from time to time, having no clue about the real problem.
 
To be clear, addiction can be defined in a general way as a compulsive (repeated action without choice) and chronic (ongoing over time) pattern of using a substance or behavior for soothing, comforting, and/or arousal. It is used as a means of medicating uncomfortable feelings. "Addicts" typically continue use of their behavior or drug of choice despite negative consequences.
 
Sex addiction is a compulsive pattern of pursuing sexual arousal independent of emotional attachments. [While this seems common and promoted among American males, it gets so out of control -- for example with online porn addiction -- as to be devastating; attend an SAA meeting and find out how bad if you doubt that such a condition can even exist.]

 

Love addiction [more common and promoted among American females, so much so that we may consider it "typical" gendered behavior] is a little harder to define simply because by nature we are all "addicted" to love -- meaning we want it, seek it, and have a hard time not thinking about it. More

   All Princess Sleeping Beauty needs is Love's True Kiss to get better. O where, O where could it be found? On the lips of the prince...or the wicked witch of the fairy queendom? Lana Del Rey -- an expert after filming the Saga "Summertime Sadness" -- knows in "Once Upon a Dream"

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Baby born with four hands, feet

I'm in love! - "West Coast" (video)

Ashley Wells, Pfc. Sandoval, Wisdom Quarterly; Lana Del Rey (lanadelrey.com), "West Coast"

In "Ultraviolence," out June 17th, Cuban Lana Del Rey sings about the West Coast

Love is a burning thing. With eyes half open we step into a ring of fire, like Johnny Cash

Part 1. As a primer to love addiction and sex addiction, it might be good to start with this new smash hit all over Los Angeles radio. Now that Amber Larson and Seth Auberon have taken the helm as Wisdom Quarterly's Features Editors, it might give me time to explore affection, emotions, love, and sensuality as addictions the Buddha warned about. But we don't listen. We love it, which is why we were reborn into this Kama Loka, the "Sensual Sphere." And this song by Lana (of "Summertime Sadness" and "Maleficent" fame), better than any, suggests how we are seduced into coming here rather than forced. More importantly, what keeps us here now, like monkeys with our paws in this honey trap? And having been burned again and yet again, what could keep us coming back?

Lana, superstar, H&M supermodel

Down on the West Coast they got a saying
"If you're not [th]inking then you're not playing."
But you've got the music; you've got the music in you, don't you?

Down on the West Coast I get this feeling
Like it all could happen; that's why I'm leaving
You for the moment, you for the moment, Boy Blue, yeah you.

You're flying high at the show, I'm feeling hot to the touch
You say you miss me, and I say I miss you so much
But something keeps me really quiet, I'm alive, I'm a lush:
Your love, your love, your love

I can see my baby swinging
His Parliament's on fire and his hands are up
On the balcony and I'm singing
Ooh, baby, ooh, baby, I'm in love

(MM) Lana Del Rey performs "West Coast" on the West Coast, Coachella 2014

I can see my sweet boy swaying
He's crazy y Cubano como yo la la
On the balcony and I'm saying,
Move baby, move baby, I'm in love

I'm in love (I'm in love)
I'm in love (I'm in love)

Down on the West Coast they got their icons
Their silver starlets, their Queens of Saigon
And you've got the music; you've got the music in you, don't you?

Down on the West Coast they love their movies
Their golden gods and rock 'n roll groupies
And you've got the music, you've got the music in you, don't you?

You push it hard, I pull away, I'm feeling hotter than fire
I guess that no one ever really made me feel that much higher
Te deseo, cariño; boy, it's you I desire
Your love, your love, your love

I can see my baby swinging
His Parliament's on fire and his hands are up
On the balcony and I'm singing,
Ooh, baby, ooh, baby, I'm in love...

• VIDEO: Have you ever had a threesome? (Jimmy Kimmel) 
• Pioneering actress, activist Ruby Dee passes on

Does West have monopoly on romantic love?

Ashley Wells, CC Liu, Pat Macpherson, Seth Auberon (eds.), Wisdom Quarterly; Catherine Winter (The Really Big Questions, The World, pri.org); "Big Bang Theory"  VALENTINE'S DAY

Finally, "Big Bang Theory" lives up to its name as Raj and Penny fall into each other's arms.

"The roof (brain), the roof, the roof is on fire!" explains the Bloodhound Gang (salon.com)

 

Romans/Greeks knew "Desire."

Is romantic love a universal emotion? In the West it often seems we live, die, and even kill for love.

(We have "Nothing Higher to Live For"? A Buddhist View of Romantic Love).

Love is passionate, foolish, and cherished. But in many cultures, arranged marriages are the norm. And romantic love is, well, disruptive. It turns out people across the globe feel romantic love, but they do not necessarily act on it.

Yes, people around the world fall in love. That seems like an obvious truth today, but it used to be quite controversial in the social sciences.

"Love feels like you're walking on a beach hearing the sound of waving coming over and over and over again while your feet is touching the sand softly." - Suzette Chu, 30, Shanghai

 

Tell the World in a tee (SpencerFinnley/flickr)

In fact, some scholars still believe that romantic love was invented by European troubadours in the Middle Ages, and that people outside of the Western tradition do not really experience it.
 

“We decided to see if that was true,” says anthropologist Ted Fischer, who teaches at Vanderbilt University.

 

Oh, this is what they're talking about? They think we didn't know about this? (Dan Zen/flickr)

 

In 1992, he and William Jankowiak, an anthropologist at the University of Nevada Las Vegas, did a survey of anthropological research on 166 different cultures around the world.

 

“We looked for evidence of romantic love, and that could have been love poetry, or elopements, or just general descriptions of what we’d consider to be romantic love,” Fischer says. “And we found it in an overwhelming majority of cultures.”

We're gay. State mandates you accept it (TW).

Fischer says in the few places where they didn’t find evidence of love, the anthropologists who did the original studies were not looking for the factors he and Jankowiak were looking for. 

 

So elopements or love-related suicides might have occurred and just not been noted.

 

“So we thought it’s very likely romantic love is found in all cultures,” he says.

 

Jankowiak and Fischer’s paper made a big splash, and today it’s widely accepted that people in cultures outside of the West experience romantic love. More

  

(BBT) Penny finally hits on Sheldon, America's favorite nerd!

Worshiping a "devil" on Valentine's Day

Dhr. Seven, Amber Larson, Ven. Bhante, Wisdom Quarterly (COMMENTARY)

We don't like to admit it, but whom do we "worship" on Valentine's Day? Surely, it is not Roman "Saint Valentine" or even the great Italian-American actor Valentino. Is it Clark Gable, Clark Kent, Sofia Vergara, Lady Gaga?

No, since the time of the ancient Romans and Greeks it is a menace in the form of a comely child -- Cupid (cupido, "desire," aka Eros).  
 
"Cupid" in Buddhism is Mara Devaputra, the angelic beguiler, the Lucifer figure, the great Satan when he's angry, the puckish mischief maker when he's out to besot our vulnerable hearts.

Cupid/Mara (wikimedia.org)

Ancient India recognized "Cupid" as Kama-deva (the Indian personification of "sensual desire" called kama as in the famous Hindu classic the Kama Sutra). And many Hindus must give in to Western temptation because of modern American hegemony and the ancient Greco-Romans, which as Bactria/Afghanistan overlapped on northwestern India (Gandhara) many centuries ago.

What does Mara, the great tempter and discourager in Buddhism, want? It is not that living beings fall into the hells or to be tested for the god (Great Brahma). No, his terrible aim is that living beings remain distracted from liberation, freedom, enlightenment, and nirvana and instead wallowing in ever-disappointing sensuality. 

Thx, Catty Purry, you're doing Mara's work!

So from a modest celestial world or heaven in the "Sensual Sphere" (Kama Loka), Mara/Cupid/the Devil makes it his business to keep everyone tempted and running around like Greek and Roman godlings, filled with lust, pride, jealousy, envy, and avarice. This deviant artist captures it:

Greek "Cupid" (aka Roman "Eros") is prominent in the pantheon (Wandering 39 Soul)

Hey, don't judge. The third wheel is still a wheel, and as long as everybody knows. ;-)

   

Language?

Americans lust (Status Fitness Mag)

QUESTION (Robert Thomas): I read a book about the occupation of Japan after WWII. I became suspicious that the emphasis placed by the author on what even then seemed to me to be a simplistic understanding of the idea of the Japanese emperor as a Shinto "divinity" (kami).
 

Understanding of this cultural and spiritual idea (Showa emperors and their place in superstitious Shinto beliefs) is better explained in English texts these days. But it struck me back then that words such as "divine" were likely to have been translated poorly, by persons with little sociological (much less, theological) understanding, to the point that the translated description of their meaning was useless. 

 

Why should we accept that Mandarin-speaking people and English-speaking people have the same thing in mind at all when talking about "romantic love"? How is this not utterly contingent on the competence of translators?

(Big Bang Theory) Yoga, Penny, and Sheldon, the Third Wheel

   

ANSWER (Catherine Winter): Xiaomeng Xu addressed the language question when we talked to her. She said researchers wondered the same thing, but even taking into account language differences, cultural differences showed up on surveys. She called [the] findings "robust." In surveys, people in Eastern countries are more likely to stress negative aspects of love, such as jealousy and heartbreak, than Westerners are. We Westerners tend to have a rosier view of love.
 

Flaming love in Tibet

Producer Matthew Bell (PRI's The World, Feb. 11, 2014)

Jampa Yeshi, 3-26-12 (globalpost.com)

When a 29 year-old Tibetan Buddhist man set himself on fire (another misguided self-immolation) earlier this month to protest cruel Chinese rule there, he was among more than 100 who have chosen this form of shocking suicidal protest. The world might not have heard of any of them except for the writing of blogger Tsering Woeser.
 

Tibetan writer Tsering Woeser on a visit home

Woeser grew up in Tibet, but she now lives in Beijing with her Chinese husband. Catching up with her there in November, she had just returned from a three month trip to Lhasa, the capital of China's Tibet Autonomous Region. LISTEN

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• For Brazil's new middle class, "little strolls" are becoming a protest movement
• China has not replaced America, and it never will(?)
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How to find love on OkCupid, Match (audio)

Ashley Wells, Amber Larson, Seth Auberon, CC Liu, Wisdom Quarterly; Caitlin Roper (Senior Ed., wired.com); "AirTalk" (SCPR.org, Can a few words turn us into successful online daters?)

What? We met online! It's like we've known each other for years. Miley is our role model!

   

Annoying Ugly Duckling transformed. Who?

Trying to look attractive on online dating profiles? Take up yoga or surfing.
 
According to WIRED’s analysis of “massive amounts of data” from popular dating sites OkCupid and Match.com, what people say in their profiles may play a role in how attractive other users find them to be. (Continued with audio below this simple How To).
 
How To Score Dates on Match.com
Agatha Thornbush, Guest Contributor

10. Tell them right up front: "NO DRAMA!!!"

First, set your standards high. Way high. It's like my firstborn's father used to say, "Aim for the stars to hit the moon." Second, be firm. Stand your ground. Don't let anybody cross your boundaries. Three, set boundaries. You've got to tell him/her right on the first date. I didn't pay Match.com good money to date a scrub. Fourth, go light on the pictures. God knows, if they're really interested, they'll wait. Whose going to want to buy Coca-Cola in cans when he/she can get Pepsi in plastic? Think. D'uh. Fifth, don't wear your heart on your shoulder. But a chip is OK. Six, make sure there grammer is impecable. 

Think his dialing finger broke?

Six, don't ask about money or a job. But keep an eye on their shoes and where they take you. That'll tell you ALL you need to know. I'm out to protect myself. Seven, make your expectations known right up front. Speak your mind; don't edit. Do you have time to waste? Because I don't have time to waste! If you don't want commitment, marriage, a house, kids, and all of it on my internal-clock's schedule, why are you wasting my time? Eighth, read The Secret and Law of Attraction, and Cosmo, and let the man chase. There are plenty of fish in the sea. What makes you think you're so special? The same probably holds true for thespians. Ninth, find me on Match, J Date, Christian Singles, Buddhist Singles, Agnostic Singles, or Catpeople for Catpeople, and let me know how it goes. Remember, "My package, my rules!" It's a lot of steps, but here they are all summarized in this short instructional video:

WARNING: Corporate situations, sexual references, language, Riff Raff!

 

In the good old days, no one had sex. Wink

A hard look at the 1,000 most popular words on the site and how attractive the people who use them are rated shows that the “hottest” men talk about oceans, breakfast, and live music.
 
The women mention fitness, Radiohead, and fashion. Attractive people of both genders overwhelmingly mention yoga, surfing, and London [associated with well heeled travel or the London Olympics?]
 
Another common theme for the most attractive online daters is some breaking of gender norms: Women interested in technology and men who mention crafting are rated very attractive.
 

That's? No way! Yes way. (DailyMail.co.uk)

Are we a culture of "Karma Police" listening, yoga enjoying, Anglophiles?
 
Is the dating pool on sites like OkCupid and Match self-selecting? Does online attractiveness translate to in-person chemistry?

• LISTEN NOW: AUDIO (19:29)

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• Resurgence of long-form journalism - quantity vs quality

Maybe whom we meet is due to our "Karma Police" - Ashley
 

The Agatha System worked!! Wait, these are just pics of pen*ses. WT*? (F.J. Brown)

Our senses are lying to us (video)

Seth Auberon, Pat Macpherson, Wisdom Quarterly; HuffingtonPost.com; BuzzFeed

(BF) Special thanks to Alison Koellisch and Butt Dial. Rubber hand test is based on research about multisensory integration. Basketball test based on research from Simmons and Chabris. McGurk Effect test based on research from McGurk and MacDonald.

• ANTI-Monsanto worldwide protests: NO GMO food!
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• The ancient Buddhist architecture of India
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Bad news for Social Security

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Telling the Devil to go to Hell? (comedy)

I. Rony, Wisdom Quarterly; "Swear To God" with Rev. Winton Dupree (aka Bob Odenkirk)

"The more you are motivated by LOVE, the more fearless and FREE your action will be" - DL

Ferocious avian (garuda) temple guardians warding off serpents (nagas), Thailand

 

Reverend Winton Dupree (Mr. Show)

I have a question, and I know you all have it, too. "What is up Lucifer's butt?" All he wants to do is mess us up, the crapple pie eater!

Now, I'll tell you what. I am the only preacher with the f'n cahones -- you know this, you all know this -- to say:
 
"Goddam you, Mara! I dam thee straight to purgatory! You goddam so-and-so and son of a B!" Can I get an f'n A?
 

Tricky Mara Devaputra

"F'n A!" Thank you, friends.
 

Now the Lord said, "I am the Light of the World."

 

Now he could as easily have said, "I am King Sh-t of F--- Mountain! Why would you mess with me?!"

WARNING: Rated X! Extreme Christian profanity and ungodly obscenities steeped in liberal comic mockery of fundamentalist fervor and hypocrisy! (Mr. Show with Bob & David/HBO)

• The Buddha's encounters with the real Mara (sutras)
• Encounters with the metaphorical Mara (Abhidharma)

No thanks, Mara!

Dhr. Seven, Dhr. Amber Larson, Ashley Wells, CC Liu, Wisdom Quarterly

The Killer's disciple holding up the characteristic devil's horns (mudra) of the Dark Lord

  

But would the esteemed reverend's approach be any way to rebuke Mara Devaputra (the Killer as an angelic being of light, aka deva-putta, "son of god")? Anger in the face of anger is failure. Hatred is weakness; fear is disease.

Remember Siddhartha under the Bodhi tree. He faced Mara again and again, sometimes in a fearsome guise, sometimes in seductive mode. Mara is scheming. Mara does not play fair.

Mara (Death personified), L.A. Day of the Dead

Resistance is futile, if by "resistance" one means direct opposition. Mara (Temptation itself) is stronger than a human. But there are many things one can do: stand aside, not take the bait, distract oneself, abandon clinging by insight, or win by virtue rather than fighting.
 
Mara has no real interest in forcing only in provoking. Instead of coercing by brute strength, he inspires us to be the source of our own ruin.
 
For example, in Sutra 50 of The Middle-Length Discourses, Maha Moggallana -- one of the Buddha's chief male disciples, foremost in mystical powers -- eludes Mara. He then warns the inimical spirit what awaits as the karmic result of such harmful behavior toward enlightened disciples of the Buddha.
 
Maha Moggallana can warn Mara (Namuchi) from direct experience. For he himself, long ago, was a mara known as Mara Dusi, and he himself met with the horrific-hellish results Mara Namuchi would eventually face if he did not desist.

 

But Mara, it seems, does not listen. He does not believe there will be any karmic results for himself. He is, after all, no mere flesh and bones being. He wields dark powers, namely, the power to influence the thoughts of others, to shapeshift, to lead others astray by inspiring in them latent defilements (fear, anger, lust, delusion, discouragement, laziness, etc.)
 
Mara does not insert these into a person's mind/heart; he instigates and awakens what is there dormant and unabandoned. These things -- whether conceived of as momentary states or innate traits -- cannot be successfully opposed for very long by mere willpower or force of any kind. They can, however, be suppressed, outmaneuvered, eluded, abandoned, and completely let go by meditation (cultivation of skillful states and traits).

 

Siddhartha did not fight under the tree. But he stood his ground, it's true, refusing to rise and leave the meditation mat even at the threat of an imminent attack by an army of ogres (yakkhas) led by Mara on a giant war elephant. Finding this approach futile, Mara then sent in his three seductive "daughters" (Craving, Boredom, and Cupidity).

What to do?

The rewards of peace and ahimsa

In fighting, don't fight. In struggling, don't struggle. And in striving, the same: neither striving nor giving up. In this way one does not fall back and one does not ruin oneself by one's own efforts and over-exertion. Carry on without relenting. Elegant balance. Calm persistence. And in no long time, one realizes the fruits of compassion and wisdom.