You're too "clingy" (cartoon)

Dhr. Seven, Crystal Quintero, Amber Larson (eds.), Wisdom Quarterly; Ven. Nyanatiloka

I don't know what I'm doing wrong in relationship after relationship, searching for...

(Family Guy/Hulu) As clingy as a baby at the bosom is Stewie as Brian tries to cling to Drew

Starts off fun, gets to be too much.

Crystal, is clinging a problem in life? It is in Ashley's life; she has been known to get quite clingy. Ask her. But you? Not me so much, but guys I've dated. What do they do? You know how Brian once went on that reality dating show as a contestant then became infatuated with the bachelorette? Yes, exactly, I get it. He would leave all these phone messages and not get the hint to naff off. 

Brian the clingy bachelor (Family Guy)

"Clinging" (upādāna), according to the Path of Purification (Vis.M. XVII), is a pathetic and intensified degree of craving. The opposite is the "extinction of craving," which is identical with the "extinction of defilements" (āsavakkhaya), which is the attainment of full enlightenment or arhatship. (See noble persons).

There are four kinds of clinging that prevent enlightenment:

1. sensual clinging (kāma-upādāna),
2. clinging to views (ditthi-upādāna),
3. clinging to mere rules and rituals (sīlabbata-upādāna),
4. clinging to personality-belief (atta-vāda-upādāna).

(1) "What now is sensual clinging? Whatever with regard to sense objects there exists of sensual lust, sensual craving, sensual attachment, sensual passion, sensual delusion, sensual fetters (bonds of desire): this is called 'sensual clinging.'

Owner of a lonely heart? Try clinging to sensuality. It will disappoint, but what else are you going to do to overcome the empty feeling in your core and the body's cravings? Invest?

 
(2) ''What is the clinging to views? 'Alms and offerings are useless; there is no fruit or result for good and bad deeds: all such views and wrong opinions are called the clinging to views.

(3) "What is the clinging to mere rules and rituals? The holding firmly to the view that through mere rules (vows, precepts, discipline) and rituals (observances) one may reach enlightenment: this is called the clinging to mere rules and rituals.

• [NOTE: the way to enlightenment and nirvana is liberating-insight, made possible by the Noble Eightfold Path, not mere observance of ceremonies, celebrations, superstitions, magic, abstinences, or austerities, which may aid one along the way but cannot possibly in and of themselves bring about enlightenment.]

(4) "What is the clinging to personality-belief? The 20 kinds of ego-views with regard to the aggregates of existence (see sakkāya-ditthi): these are called the clinging to personality-belief" (Dhs.1214-17).

Not going to get all clingy, are you? - I'm not even going to call you tomorrow. - Good.

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Heart Sutra: immaculate heart free of clinging

This traditional fourfold division of clinging is unsatisfactory. Besides sensual (kama) clinging we would expect either clinging to form or materiality (rūpa) and clinging to formlessness or immateriality (arūpa), or simply clinging to continued existence (continued becoming, bhava-upādāna).

Although the non-returner, the third of the four stages of enlightenment, is entirely free from the traditional four kinds of clinging, that person is not yet free of rebirth, as one still possesses clinging to continued becoming, the deep desire for rebirth on other planes even though one grasps that they are illusory, marked by Three Characteristics of Existence, namely, that they are impersonal, impermanent, and never able to satisfy one's desires.

The Commentary to the Path of Purification (Vis.M. XVII), in trying to get out of this dilemma, explains "sense clinging" as including here all of the remaining kinds of clinging.

"Clinging" is the common rendering for the Pali/Sanskrit term upādāna, but "grasping" would come closer to the literal meaning of it, which is "uptake" after craving it. See the Three Cardinal Discourses (Wheel No. 17), p.19.

"Family Guy" the Very First Episode

(Workard) Life in modern suburban USA as brought to us by Seth Macfarlane and the many writers of and contributors to "Family Guy." This is the pilot or unofficial first episode, the prequel. The "official" first episode was a remake of it.

Visiting a peaceful forest monastery

Amber Larson (ed.), Wisdom Quarterly; Courtney (lansingyoga.com); Elizabeth J. Harris

All photos of Dhammasala Forest Monastery by Courtney (lansingyoga.com)

This small meditation hut (kuti) stands alone in the forest for peace and quiet.

 

Courtney

I visited a Theravada Buddhist temple and forest monastery called Wat Dhammasala for the first time yesterday in Perry, Michigan. I brought along my 18-year-old cousin, but other than that the only soul we came across was a fluffy, white dog named Yim.

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When I stepped out of my car the first thing to hit me was the vibrant solitude that I’ve always loved about the woods.

I could hear bells chiming from the roof of the temple, birds conversing with one another casually, the hum of bees, and the rustling of a million green leaves.

Everything smelled clean, and even though the sky was grey when we first arrived, all I saw were the vibrantly green leaves. More+PHOTOS

• Yogini Courtney is the Web Editor of LansingYoga.com and a yoga instructor in the Lansing, Michigan area, who graduated in 2011 with a double major in journalism and digital media arts and technology.

Detachment and Compassion in Early Buddhism

Elizabeth J. Harris (Bodhi Leaves 141/Buddhist Publication Society/accesstoinsight.org)

To people looking at Buddhism through the medium of English, the practice of compassion and detachment can appear incompatible, especially for those who consider themselves to be socially and politically engaged.
 
In contemporary usage, compassion brings to mind outward-moving concern for others, while detachment suggests aloofness and withdrawal from the world.

Yet Buddhism recommends both as admirable and necessary qualities to be cultivated. This raises questions such as the following:

• If compassion means to relieve suffering in a positive way, and detachment to remain aloof from the world, how can the two be practiced together?
• Does detachment in Buddhism imply lack of concern for humanity?
• Is the concept of compassion in Buddhism too passive, connected only with the inward-looking eye of meditation, or can it create real change in society?

An altar at Wat Dhammasala, Michigan

It is certainly possible to draw sentences from Buddhist writers that seem to support a rejection of outward concern for others. For example, [the early Western translator] Edward Conze has written, "The Yogin [self-controlled meditator] can only come into contact with the unconditioned [nirvana] when he [or she] brushes aside anything which is conditioned" (Edward Conze, Buddhist Thought in India, 1960, Ch.5).

Similarly, G.S.P. Misra writes, "In the final analysis, all actions [karma] are to be put to cessation... The Buddha speaks of happiness involved in non-action [the acts of an arhat, a full enlightened person, are not called karma but kriya], which he further says is an integral part of the Right Way or samma-patipada (G.S.P. Misra, Development of Buddhist Ethics, p. 44.)
 
Taken in isolation and out of context, these remarks can give the impression that the path to nirvana implies developing a lack of concern towards everything in samsara (the cycle of existence, rebirth, and suffering). But is this inference sound? I would argue that it is not.
 
This is an issue that touches on the whole question of transferring concepts across linguistic barriers, in this case [the exclusively Buddhist language] Pali and [the catchall universal language of commerce, culture, and empire] English. It calls not only for an understanding of how the concepts are used within the framework of the Pali Buddhist texts, but also for an awareness of how the English terms used in translation function and whether they are adequate.

Inevitably, a dialogical approach between two linguistic frameworks is necessary.
 

Detachment

What's that, Mr. Garden Snake? An offer?

Viveka and viraga are the two Pali words that have been translated as "detachment." The two, however, are not synonyms. The primary meaning of viveka is separation, aloofness, seclusion. Often physical withdrawal is implied. The later commentarial tradition, however, identifies three forms of viveka:

1. physical withdrawal (kaya-viveka)
2. mental withdrawal (citta-viveka)
3. withdrawal from the roots of distress, disappointment, suffering (upadhi-viveka).

Kaya-viveka, as a chosen way of life, was not uncommon during the time of the historical Buddha. To withdraw or pull back from the household life, to renounce (give up interest in or control of) possessions, and adopt a solitary mendicancy was a recognized path.

The formation of the Buddhist monastic Sangha (community) was grounded in the belief that going forth from home to homelessness could aid in intensive, concentrated spiritual effort. Yet to equate the renunciation the Buddha encouraged with a physical withdrawal, which either punished the body or completely rejected human contact,  would be a mistake.

• [Renunciation does not actually mean giving things up, so much as letting go of being controlled by them, to let go and let things be. This is much easier to do if one actually lets go, but even letting go of them physically does not mean we have really let go.]

The Buddha made it clear that the detachment of a noble disciple (ariya savaka) -- the detachment connected with the path -- was not essentially a physical act of withdrawal, let alone austerity.

Kaya-viveka was valuable only if seen as a means to the inner purging and mental transformation connected with the abandoning or destruction of craving. This is illustrated in the Udumbarika Sihanada Sutta in which the Buddha claims that the asceticism of a recluse who clings to solitude could lead to pride, carelessness, attention-seeking, and hypocrisy if not linked to the cultivation of moral virtues and the effort to gain insight through meditation (DN 25).
  
A further insight is given in the Nivapa Sutta, which weaves a lengthy story around the relationship of four herds of deer with a certain crop, representing sensual pleasure, sown by the hunter (the "tempter" Mara) to ensnare the deer.

The sign that welcoming visitors

Both the ascetics who crave for pleasure and those who deny themselves any enjoyment in an extreme way are destroyed. Referring to the latter, the Buddha says: 

Because their bodies were extremely emaciated, their strength and energy diminished, freedom of mind diminished; because freedom of mind diminished, they went back to the very crop sown by Mara -- the material things of this world (MN 156).
 

The message of the sutra is that ascetic withdrawal can reduce the heart/mind's ability to discern. It can also lead to the repression of mental tendencies rather than to their rooting out and destruction.
 
The detachment of which Buddhism speaks, therefore, is not an extreme turning away from what normally nourishes the human body. Neither is it a closing of the eyes to all beauty, as is clear from the following:

"Delightful, reverend Ananda, is the Gosinga sal grove. It is a clear moonlit night; the sal trees are in full blossom. It seems deva-like scents are being wafted around... (MN 156).
 

This expression of delight is uttered by Sariputra, the Buddha's chief male disciple foremost in wisdom, an arhat, on meeting some fellow monks one night.
 

The temple or wat

One must look away from external acts and towards the area of inner attitudes and motivation for a true understanding of the role of detachment in Buddhism. Physical withdrawal is only justified if it is linked to inner purification of virtue and meditation.

In this light, citta-viveka and upadhi-viveka become necessary subdivisions to bring out the full implications of detachment within Buddhist spiritual practice. Upadhi-viveka, as withdrawal from the roots of suffering, links up with viraga, the second word used within Buddhism to denote detachment.
 
Viraga literally means the absence of lust/craving (raga) -- the absence of sense desire, lust, the craving for endless existence, as well as the craving for annihilation [all three are wrong views based on ignorance of the Three Characteristics of Existence]. It denotes non-attachment to the usual objects of raga, such as material forms or addictive pleasures of the senses.

Non-attachment is an important term here if the Pali is to be meaningful to English speakers. It is far more appropriate than "detachment" because of the negative connotations "detachment" possesses in English.



 

Raga is closely related to clinging, grasping (upadana) which, within the causal chain binding human beings to repeated births, grows from craving (tanha) and results in bhava -- the continued samsaric wandering in search of fulfillment, pleasure, meaning, and an end. The English word "non-attachment" suggests a way of looking at both of them.
 
The Buddhist texts refer to four strands of clinging and grasping: 

1. clinging to sense pleasures
2. clinging to views
3. clinging to rules and rituals (as if they could ever in and of themselves result in enlightenment),
4. clinging to doctrines of self.

All of these can also be described as forms of raga or desire. To abandon them or destroy their power over the human psyche, attachment to them is transformed into non-attachment. Non-attachment or non-clinging would therefore flow from the awareness that... More

Craving, motherhood, and rebirth (sutra)

Amber Larson, Dhr. Seven, Crystal Quintero, Wisdom Quarterly, Mata Sutta (SN 15.14-19)

There are better ways to be pregnant, to deliver, and to mother (Nirrimi Firebrace/NM)

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Craving is our first mother (Rudi'Peni)

Thus have I heard. At one time the Blessed One was staying in Savatthi when he proclaimed:

"Rebirth (again becoming, this continued wandering on through samsara -- a process which is impermanent, impersonal, and unsatisfactory) runs far back into an incomprehensible past. Yet no beginning point is discerned when beings -- hindered by ignorance, ensnared by craving, [and inflamed by aversion manifesting as anger and fear] -- set off on this wandering.

 

"So long has this wandering been going on that it is difficult to come across any being who has not already been one's mother, father, sister, brother, son, and daughter at some time in the past.

 

"And why is that?

"Rebirth (or the "continued wandering on" that is samsara) runs far back into an incomprehensible past. Yet no beginning point is to be discerned when beings -- hindered by ignorance, ensnared by craving -- set off on this wandering [this journey through time and place, this continued wandering on in search of pleasure now here, now there, in search of final satisfaction, fulfillment, security].

These three things are true.

"Long have we all experienced suffering (disappointment, dissatisfaction, distress), experienced pain, experienced loss (separation from the loved), swelling up cemeteries -- long enough to become disenchanted with all formations (conditional phenomena, composite things, i.e., Five Aggregates of Clinging), enough to become dispassionate, enough to be liberated."

Motherhood
But motherhood is the most beautiful thing

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Eight Week Sutra Study (Dharma Punx)

Wisdom Quarterly; Ven. Dhammananda (Dharma Punx/AgainstTheStream.org)

Alabaster Buddha statues as far as the eye can see (LarryE251/flickr.com)

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Buddha woodcut (Daklub/flickr.com)

Eight Week Sutra Study: An Extended Investigation of the Sutras with Ven. Dhammananda is a class that begins Friday, July 11, 2014 at 7:30 pm at Against the Stream in Hollywood.

It will examine the root teachings of Buddhism on the nature of consciousness, perception, reality, the arising of suffering, and the practice that leads to liberation.

This examination will be facilitated by the reading of three significant Buddhist discourses or sutras: (1) Greater Dialogue on the Removal of Craving, (2) Dialogue on Right View, and the (3) Greater Dialogue on Dependent Origination. Complete copies of the sutras will be provided for everyone.
 
The first sutra begins with a disciple of the Buddha expressing his belief that day-to-day human consciousness is reborn upon death in a new body. This is followed by the Buddha’s response and a discussion about the co-dependent arising of phenomena.
 
Right view is the first step of the Noble Eightfold Path. It is the right understanding of life in line with the Four Noble (Ennobling) Truths. This dialogue was delivered by Sariputra, the Buddha's chief male disciple "foremost in wisdom," who begins with a discussion of wholesome nutrition for the body and mind. He then gives a remarkable analysis of right view and self view using the style of the Four Noble Truths and 12 factors of Dependent Origination, one of the central teachings of Buddhism.
 
The Greater Dialogue on Dependent Origination is the Buddha’s explanation of this central teaching. The two preceding sutras (on craving and right view) provide a solid foundation for this detailed presentation about how things come into existence or originate.
 

The iconic Dharma punk rock meditators of Against the Stream with and without mohawks

 
All three sutras are examples of the Buddha’s astonishingly profound understanding of reality and the human condition. The teacher, an American monk ordained in the Sri Lankan Theravada tradition will give a commentary on each discourse as it is read, welcoming and encouraging questions and group discussion. More

• Sutra Study Eight-Week Series
• Fridays 7:30-9:00 pm, July 11-August 29
• Against the Stream, 4300 Melrose Ave., Hollywood 90029
• By donation, dana, divided evenly between teacher and ATS

Ven. Dhammananda Bhikkhu was born in the Rocky Mountains, Colorado, and became a Buddhist at 14, attended college in Boston, Massachusetts. He had a secular career as an analyst underwriting commercial transactions for financial institutions throughout California. After graduating he moved to South India where he taught for several years studying yoga and meditation with TKV Desikachar.. He is a resident monastic at Maithri Vihara, a Buddhist temple and meditation center in nearby Sun Valley, which teaches "pristine Theravada Buddhism," mindfulness of breath meditation, and insight (vipassana). As an Engaged Buddhist serving the community, he is an active participant in devotional services, and his principal teacher is Ven. Aparekke Punyasiri Thero, abbot of Maithri Vihara.

The Seven Obsessions

Wisdom Quarterly; Ven. Nyanatiloka, Buddhist Dictionary: Manual of Terms and Doctrines

Obsession destroys (tasithoughts.com)

The seven obsessions or anusayas (proclivities, inclinations, tendencies) are:

1. sensuous greed (kāma-rāga, see fetters),
2. resentment (aversion, anger, patigha),
3. speculative views (wrong views, opinions, ditthi),
4. skeptical doubt (vicikicchā),
5. conceit (māna),
6. craving for continued states of existence (bhava-rāga),
7. ignorance (avijjā) (D.33; A.VII.11-12).

"These things are called obsessions or proclivities because, as a consequence of their pertinacity, they again and again tend to become the conditions for the arising of ever new sensuous greed, [aversion, and delusion]'' (Path of Purification, Vis.M. XXII, 60).

 

Yam. VII first determines in which beings such and such obsessions exist, and which obsessions, and with regard to what, and in which sphere of existence [Sensual, Fine Material, or Immaterial]. Thereafter it gives an explanation concerning their overcoming, their penetration, and so on. Cf. Guide VI (vii).

 

According to Kath. several ancient Buddhist schools erroneously held the wrong view (opinion) that the anusayas, as such, meant merely latent -- and therefore karmically neutral qualities -- which however contradicts the Theravāda school conception. Cf. Guide V, 88, 108, 139.

• Four Dangers of Living a Simple Life (MN 67)

Obsession – When it Turns Destructive

Tasithoughts 

What causes people to fixate on someone [or something] so much that it takes over their being and wipes out whatever common sense and self-esteem they have for themselves?

Recently I have seen this in a few individuals who have basically thrown their self-respect out the window by going uber crazy over someone they initially had a crush on that turned into a full on -- almost Fatal Attraction -- kind of situation. 

The irrational behavior reaches fever pitch when they are rejected by the object of their affection.  Their feelings of  ultra-attachment turn into hurt and open bitterness.  It becomes a frenzy of texting,  calling, and harassing the person who scorned them.

In one instance, I have seen it become violent.... because they have attached their egos and their self-esteem so much to their object of affection...

• The Downward Spiral of Vengeance (anger)
• Can anger ever be good?
• Masks (depression)

Question: "I'm NOT supposed to LOVE?"

Ashley Wells, Dhr. Seven, Amber Larson, Wisdom Quarterly (ASK MAYA)

Quench your mind/heart because dispassion is the key to enlightenment and liberation. Not by passion or anger or delusion can one find happiness and freedom. Clinging and hating are tangled up in ignorance. Untangle.

• QUESTION: Anonymous asks, "We aren't supposed to want love? Should I live alone for the rest of my life? I am new to this blog. Please forgive me if you have answered this question."

This is a great question. Thank you. The conundrum arises from our assumptions. What do we (you and us) mean by "love"? Do we mean universal altruism, loving-kindness (metta), compassion (karuna), unselfish joy (mudita), and impartiality (upekkha)? We don't think so. These are five expressions of love that ancient Indians (Pali/Sanskrit) and Greeks (agape = "unconditional love," etc.) had a better grasp of than we do in English because of all of their words for love like friendliness (metta) vs. sensuality (kama), equanimity (upekkha) vs. indifference,  agape vs. eros, arete vs. bad and so on. What does Wisdom Quarterly mean when we say "love"?
 

I'm supposed to be alone and not in love?

We mean affection (pema), attachment manifesting as clinging (upadana), selfish-desire (tanha), not wanting (a-karuna) or being unwilling to sit with someone's suffering (rather than being with them in their need, con+passion= "with suffering"), not deriving joy from others' joy (a-mudita) but wanting instead our own joy even at the cost of others' happiness, partiality rather than equanimity (upekkha). And what will happen as a result?

"Karma" means that fruits (phala) and mental resultants (vipaka) follow in line with intentional-actions, whether those actions/deeds are mental, verbal, or physical. Whatever is rooted in greed, aversion, or delusion will produce a miserable, unpleasant, unwelcome result.

You can see what buddhas see (DM).

This is the way it is; we don't see it because it is spread out over time between planting a karmic seed and its fruit, which comes to fruition fortuitously when it gets the chance, which can be aeons later. So we confuse what we just did with what just happened and come to believe, "Oh my actions must not be harmful because nothing happened as a result!" We do not know that and are only laboring under the assumption that intentions and results must be linked closely in time when we can all see that that is in no way the case. We haven't even developed the "divine eye" (dibba cakkhu) to see karma coming to fruition for ourselves and others, yet we make the claim. Or we say, "There's no such thing as karma!" and give our proofs: "I did such and such, and nothing happened; therefore, nothing is wrong with doing as I did; nothing will come of it."

What is our karma, and what will happen to us as a result? Anonymous, when you ask, "We aren't supposed to want love? Should I live alone for the rest of my life?" what do you mean by "love"?
 

(Bauhaus) "All We Ever Wanted Was Everything" with the young actor David Bowie. Oh we can live together and be happy forever! Yes, love, we'll live happily ever after!
 
Surely you don't think we are saying that people in general, or Buddhists in particular, should NOT cultivate altruism, loving-kindness, compassion, unselfish joy, impartiality (unbiased equanimity). We think you should love, but love is not "love" the way we normally mean it. You know how we as Westerners normally mean it. These are the Four Divine Abidings (Brahma Viharas), excellent (Greek, arete) forms of "love," excellent sources of merit (puñña), excellent karma!

The Love Addiction Series

I want to meditate, but my compulsions (OB)

What we have been suggesting in a recent series of articles is that the normal, common kind of "love" that we as Americans hold up as ideal and cultivate unthinkingly (some of us more than others) is quite harmful.
 
No person wishing for his/her own good, the good of others, or the good of both would continue in this way. But we do. Why do we? It is because we are not being mindful, not thinking, not engaging in wise action, not being compassionate, not living up to our actual and professed ideals.
 

American loves lives on "West Coast"

What should YOU do, Anonymous? Would you like us to tell you? Your question implies that you want us to tell you what to do as if we can know what's best for you. You know what you want.
 
But let us guess: You want to suffer (to be disappointed, dissatisfied, unfulfilled). That's real passion! We can tell you're very passionate (in the throes of suffering). And so, naturally, you want painful progress (dukkha-patipadā). Maybe Suffering is your teacher, as Eckhart Tolle points out, Suffering being most people's only teacher.
 
("Like Crazy") Love rules! Love is the best! Love rocks! We have nothing higher to live for!
 

Of course, this is possible, but we think the opposite: You want relief, freedom from pain and disappointment. You want joy, peace, pleasure, and fulfillment. Then what is the Way to it -- selfish, unthinking, clinging "love"? An American marriage, which is a business contract (ask a lawyer if you don't believe us), a mortgage, sexual thrills, a bunch of dependents, emotional attachments, desperate clinginess? Is that what you want, Anonymous, is that who you are? That's what they're tempting us with, that's what they're offering us, that's why we date, isn't it?

And that's what we've been taught and conditioned to want -- told that that's the way to fulfillment and a happy life. Yet, spirituality teaches us something better. But we don't want to give up our pleasure even for a better (more sublime) pleasure.

 

HONEY TRAP? Tie a jar or coconut to a tree where monkeys can see. Carve out a hole just big enough for a hand to wriggle in. Place honey or a banana or something good in center. Wait for curious monkey. Monkeys are so foolish and greedy that they will reach in to grab the sweet without realizing that their clenched fist will trap them. As long as they cling to the object, their hand can't get free. If they would only let go, their hand would slide out of the trap, and they could run to safety. But they can't let go, they can't, they can't; they're just too greedy and foolish. So the hunter comes up and does as he wishes, slaying them where they stand, cutting them up limb from limb.

 

You see, Anonymous, we are monkeys. We have our hand in the honey trap, and the hunter is coming to kill us. What should we do? Ahh-ahh, before you say "Let go," have you considered that we want the honey we're grasping that's holding us to the trap? Don't go telling us to "let go" of our little sliver of sweetness in this cold heartless world with your religious mumbo-jumbo!
 
We're spiritual not religious. We want it ALL! Like Bauhaus, "All we ever wanted was everything"! Give us enlightenment, AND let us keep our sexy, clingy, hopelessly pathetically attached forms of "love."

• Nothing higher to live for?

One of many human honey traps. Oh, just look at the poor monkey, doesn't realize what's going to happen when the hunter arrives to claim what the monkey can't let go of internally. Run, monkey, run!

• "Renunciation" is internal letting go

Lust, paradise, and the Buddha's brother

The Buddha's mother, the first Buddhist nun

Anonymous, did you ever hear the story of Nanda, the Buddha's brother? Most people don't know he had a brother or a sister (same father, mother the sister of his deceased biological mother who went on to become the world's first Buddhist nun) or a child or a wife or three mothers or a rich and powerful father.

 

Why don't you get these, and then that way you won't be alone? We don't want, nor do we advise, you to be alone. That answers your second question. We want you to be with people, preferably noble friends (kalyana-mittas). The way you're going, you may end up alone. So alter course, and move in the direction of stable relationships. Whether you marry temporarily or do better by sealing permanent relationships with noble friends, there is no going at it alone. The Buddha's attendant, his cousin Ananda, once said to him: "I think half of the supreme-life is having noble friends." The Buddha scolded him, "Do not say so, Ananda, do not say so! Noble friends are the whole of the supreme-life." The Buddha is one's best friend in the supreme-life. Maybe at first that comes from faith (saddha), but it grows to the absolute certainty of an asekha:
 

The Buddha's ex-wife, who became a nun

Nanda was getting married to the most beautiful woman in all the realm, the "Belle of the Land," Janapada Kalyani. The Buddha came to visit his home country somewhere west of the Indus river in Afghanistan or beyond, way in the northwest of India. He was eager for the honeymoon with his beautiful fiance. Then the Buddha really got him. In a very superficial way, one could say he tricked him out of his marriage, his royalty, his earthly riches. It's a very amazing story. But for anyone who doesn't penetrate what was really going on and why, what the Buddha already knew and what Nanda was about to find out just before it was too late, was that the Buddha was acting out of compassion, and in many places Nanda had the chance and choice to go back. At first, only respect was holding him back, and then it was his own insight.

In brief, the Buddha finished his family's alms-offering then handed his monastic-bowl to Nanda, who carried it for his half-brother, the former prince and Great Sage of the Shakyas, walked him to the door thinking to hand it back to him there. But the Buddha walked outside. Nanda followed thinking to hand it back at the gate. Beautiful Janapada Kalyani, combing her wonderful washed hair, saw him going from the veranda, and wondered why he was leaving, but just shouted out to him, "Come back to me soon, my love!"
 
The Buddha walked beyond the gate without turning to collect his bowl. Nanda thought to follow him back to the monastery (probably a cave in Bamiyan or Mes Aynak or any of the ancient Afghan Buddhist sites) and return it to him there then get back to his wedding plans honeymoon preparations. When they arrived, the Buddha turned and seeing that Nanda had followed him all the way to the monastery, naturally asked, "Oh did you want to become a monk?" In other words, Oh did you, like your wiser, more spiritual, possibly older (see below) brother and so many of your royal cousins you loved in childhood, want to join us in renouncing that dusty, burdensome homelife and live here with us in our left-home life?
 

What am I doing sitting here when I could be having sex and getting high on love?!

  

JP: "Come back to me soon, Nanda!"

Without thinking, or not wanting to imply that they had made a poor choice in choosing to live like beggars when they were all born fabulously rich and privileged, Nanda answered YES. The Buddha called for someone to ordain him then gave him a meditation subject.

Before he could say, "Wait, no, I meant no; I'm getting married to this hot woman tomorrow!" or explain what had happened, he was clean shaven, in robes, and meditating in his kuti (hut, cave, room, cell). But he couldn't concentrate or achieve the absorption (jhanas) like other wandering ascetics (shramans), spiritual recluses (bhikkhus), mendicant meditation masters (theras). All he could do was think about sex.

 

All my family and belongings! (motifake.com)

Before long, oppressed by thoughts of sexy Janapada Kalyani, he came to the Buddha to quit and get back to the palace. The Buddha surprised him by saying that that was fine, but he wanted to show him something first. Look. Taking hold of the Buddha's robe, Nanda was whisked away on an astral travel journey, a trip to paradise.

They traveled through the sky, over the Earth, over a burnt field, and there was a she-monkey there sitting on a stump with a burnt nose. They ascended to pleasant celestial plane in space where there was a brilliant, sparkling, white granite mansion being washed by a large number of pink footed celestial nymphs.
 

Western art: Nymphs and Satyr (xahlee.org)

And Nanda asked the least beautiful of these delightful and alluring beings what they were doing. She answered that they were preparing the platform/palace/mansion of Nanda for his arrival.

"But Nanda lives on Earth," Nanda said. "Yes, but thereafter he will come here, and we will serve him." (They would be his wives, his harem, the celestial nymphs people mock Islam for talking about). Nanda stepped back to the Buddha and said, "She says this is for me?" The Buddha asked, "What do you think of these nymphs, Nanda?/Isn't Janapada Kalyani beautiful?" "Jana-pada-who?" exclaimed Nanda. "Your beautiful fiance, the one you're leaving us to go back to, the 'Belle of the Land'!"
 
"Venerable sir, Janapada Kalyani, my former fiance, can't compare to these nymphs. Even the ugliest one. She doesn't even possess one-sixteenth part the beauty of any of these; she doesn't even come into the count! Why compared to these nymphs, Janapada Kalyani resembles that monkey we saw on the way here with its nose and tail burned off."
 
"Let's go, Nanda," the Buddha said. On the way down to Earth, they took a detour. They descended to a frightful subterranean hell, where frightful beings were stoking a fire for a large iron cauldron of oil. And Nanda asked these scary demonic figures what they were doing. "What the hell's it to you, $#@&!? Not that it's any of your damn business, but we're making preparations for that scumbag Nanda."

"But, sir, I have it on good authority that Nanda will be reborn in a celestial world with a mansion," Nanda explained. "Yeah, but after that, he will be reborn right here, and we'll do as we wish with him, slaying him, flaying him..." Nanda stepped back to the Buddha. "Did you hear that, venerable sir?"

"Let's go, Nanda," the Buddha said gently. "Now you see how things stand; now you see how samsara, this endless round of the playing out of karma, goes." [We're filling in the colorful language in case you hadn't noticed, Anonymous. The is the gist, the sentiment of what was said and meant.]
 

Knowing-and-seeing results from persistence

When they returned to the monastery, Ven. Nanda went quickly to his chambers and resumed his meditation. The other monastics noticed his sudden turnaround and asked him about it. They teased him about missing his sexy wife, which he had formerly talked so much about returning to. But now he was all silent and committed to meditating. He explained to his monastic relatives and friends, the other Shakyas, how wonderful heaven is, full of gorgeous nymphs and shimmering palaces, so that with good karma one can earn that. Seeing his foolishness, they began anew to tease him, but this time they said, "Nanda has been bought for 500 nymphs! Nanda is a hireling! He works [meditates, see kammatthāna] for nymphs!"

• Kammatthāna: literally, "working-ground," "field of exertion, effort, or striving" (i.e., for meditation), is the term in the Commentaries for "subjects of meditation"; see bhāvanā.

Even though his fellow monastics gently ribbed and mercilessly teased and taunted him, Ven. Nanda stuck to it, clearing his mind of lust for Janapada Kalyani, of fear of karmic retribution in unfortunate realms, and aspired just for those nymphs. But when he attained the absorptions (jhanas), finding them superior even to the "heavenly lusts" and appetites of the lower celestial planes, he kept going and cultivated liberating-insight, as the Buddha, his trusted brother had instructed him.

• Actually, they would have been age-peers, almost exactly the same age because Nanda's mother, Maha Pajapati Devi, who was the sister of the Buddha's biological mother, Queen Maha Maya Devi, was co-wife of the polygamous king, their father. And when the latter passed away just a week after her son Siddhartha's birth, the former took over nursing, caring for, and raising Prince Siddhartha as her own, turning over the primary care of Nanda to a nurse in the royal palace. Queen Maya, who was considered the "first wife" would have been more beautiful, the more pleasing long time companion of King Suddhodana. Contrary to our modern opinion that this is sexist and patriarchal, her sister would surely have been happy to co-marry the king and thereby live together with her sister as royals from the ruling family of the rich crossroads capital of Kapilavastu (in the vicinity of modern Kabul and Bamiyan according to Dr. Pal), having and raising kids at the same time like virtuous-Kardashians, then taking over the role of Queen Kim with her sister's passing. The Shakyas were a fiercely proud, tough, formerly-nomadic warrior peoples not like the more refined people of Brahminical India, much like hearty Afghans/Central Asians today.

Novice's devotion in a sacred cave (13som)

When Ven. Nanda reached enlightenment, he continued to meditate, experiencing the bliss of release from ignorance, karma, samsara, rebirth, and all further forms of suffering.
 
But his fellows were dissatisfied and they complained to the Buddha: "Nanda's a hireling! He works for nymphs!" Knowing better the Buddha had Ven. Nanda summoned. "They say you're a hireling, Nanda, that you work for nymphs, that I promised you nymphs if you would meditate." Ven. Nanda was abashed for it having once been true that he worked for such a petty aspiration as superhuman sensual experiences in that lowly heavenly world they visited, having lost the healthy dread of what they had seen would happen in that subterranean fallen/hellish plane of existence (niraya).
 
Ven. Nanda implicitly declared his attainment by stating that he had released the Buddha from his implied promise of heavenly splendor the moment he realized the Truth. His fellow monastics were shocked and abashed, not realizing they were mocking and complaining about an arhat, an enlightened disciple of the Buddha. They quickly returned to their kutis to meditate and follow the example of the one they had wasted so much time and made such unskillful karma berating. The end.
 
Anonymous, does our overkill answer make sense? Does this famous Story of Nanda make sense as applying to your dual question?

Question. Selfish "love," sensual lust, desperate clinging, emotional attachment, pathetic obsession, does it arise in a person for her/his own good, for the good of another, for both? Or does it bring harm?

Love is a snare, a trap, a lie leading us to buy the ways of the world without thinking and only realizing too late what bargain we made? When the Dhammapada speaks ill of desire, clinging, and passion, we recoil. No, we like those! We want those! "Passion" (which literally means "suffering" in English) is good, it's zesty, it adds spice to life. You're question was very good because people don't want to get caught up in words and thinking, paying attention and actually analyzing anything. We want it spelled out, or we'll learn from experience. But most of us won't learn even then.

What the Buddha said makes sense, a lot of sense. If one stays superficial, it is easy to debunk karma, spirituality, religion, and claims of all kinds. That's nonsense. That's not science. We know everything; the ancients knew nothing! The purpose of an "American Buddhist Journal" is to spell out all the ways that Buddhism does apply, does make sense, does offer a Path to the end of all suffering. And it's beautiful even if it seems to us sexist and full of it. For instance, did you notice a gaping hole in Nanda's story? We know you did.
 
We know what you're thinking, Anonymous! "Hey, but what about Janapada Kalyani?! The Buddha was wise, exceedingly wise; he thought of that, too. Here is her story: The Beautiful Princess Janapada Kalyani's spiritual journey

• VIDEO: I'm in love! ("West Coast")
• Wisdom? The Discourse on Right View (sutra)
• Knowing and Seeing (Pa Auk Sayadaw)