Forgiveness (khanti) in Buddhism

Amber Larson, Seth Auberon, CC Liu, Wisdom Quarterly; Ven. Nyanatiloka (Anton Gueth)

Hope he doesn't come over when my husband's there, hope he remembers low fat... (N)

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Change your mind, change your life

There was this car, this reckless driver, that cut me off. I slammed on my brakes, burned with fury, and followed her. She pulled over. I cocked my fists in full ROAD RAGE mode, went to undo my seat belt, then realized I wasn't even wearing one! Which made me angrier, because I realized I really could have died due to this #$%@*&'s thoughtless driving -- I mean I was riding pretty fast. And this careless, careless jerk wasn't paying attention: "Hey" I screamed, "why don't you watch where I'm going?!"

Ride like a meditator. Drive like a rishi (seer).

She laughed, "That's funny. Sorry 'bout that!" 

Funny? Oh, because she should obviously be watching where I'm going? She needs to be responsible for me, or just what kind of society are we living in?! There are road rules...and, apparently, only I can break them! Everybody -- that means all y'all -- should be considerate of me, my body, my feelings, and my perspective in every situation, or I am gonna be p*ssed! Maybe she doesn't like speeding bikes in her way? Maybe you don't?

Look at the things I get mad at! I was cut off and inconvenienced. It's not like I was being cheated on. That would really need patience and a level head. Oh to have khanti! Sweet Dharma, wherefore art thou?

 

Khanti: "forbearance," "patience," "forgiveness"  is one of the Ten Perfections (pāramī) in Buddhism. 

 

Nice magnet! Wife home? - No she's on the road

More than simple forgiveness after the fact -- which is something we must do anew every time we recall an upsetting incident of being (or even perceiving that we have been) violated, trespassed, molested, bothered, or otherwise inconvenienced -- khanti means pre-forgiveness.
 
We must have forbearance, which the Buddha called "the highest virtue," the ability to tolerate, endure, and remain equanimous when things do not go to our liking.

Very be careful or end up on another "bike."

If we pre-forgive there will be nothing to forgive later -- and that will make our lives so much easier that we can hardly comprehend its value.

Who would we be if we did not throw away our energy getting mad in the first place then getting madder when we recollect someone else's wrongdoing?

Learning from the Buddha (NEPLOHO/flickr)

Our karma is our karma (the bad mental karma of dredging up the past, the Wrong Path, recollection full of resentment, that re-upsets us). Their karma is their karma, reckless causing accidents out of ignorance, selfishness, or animosity (aka greed, hatred, delusion). It is not our job to fix them, but it is our job to fix ourselves. It is not their job to fix us, but it is their job to work on themselves. We can all help one another, but we cannot do each other's work for one another. "Everyone is heir to one's own karma," teaches the Buddha (AN 5.57). And whatever we are heir to, it will arrive, it will arrive. Let's make it something welcome and joyful.

It's called a "bike." - No, friend, I meant are those Shimano brakes? They're not going to cut it. Look at this guy, trying to use cut-rate brakes in the Last Himalayan Buddhist Kingdom!

Abusing the Buddha (sutra)

Seth Auberon and Amber Larson, Wisdom Quarterly based on Acharya Buddharakkhita translation of the Discourse on "Abuse" or "Reviling" (Akkosa Sutra, SN 7.2)

Anger motivated by delusion, wrong view, greed, frustration, fear...is a terrible thing (PB)

Cartoon anger and cruelty. Like it or lump it! (bananatriangle.com)

  

Afghan Gandhara Buddha Maitreya (Boonlieng/flickr)

Once the Blessed One was staying at Rajagaha [the "Royal Ringed City," capital of Magadha] in the Bamboo Grove near the Squirrels' Feeding Ground.

The Brahmin Akkosa-Bharadvaja [Akkosaka* of the clan of Bharadvaja Brahmins, whose nickname literally means "The Reviler" according to M. Walshe] heard this about his brother:
 
"The Brahmin Bharadvaja, it seems, has become a monk under the great ascetic Gotama (the Buddha, Siddhartha Gautama)."

Angry and peeved, he went to see the Blessed One. He approached, abused, and reviled him in foul and harsh words.

But reviled, the Blessed One spoke gently to the Brahmin Akkosa Bharadvaja: "Well, Brahmin, do friends, acquaintances, relatives, kinfolk, and guests visit you?"
 
"Yes, Gotama, sometimes they do."
 
"Well, Brahmin, do you not offer them, snacks, food, and drink?"
 
"Yes, Gotama, sometimes I do offer them snacks, food, and drink."
 
"But, Brahmin, what if they do not accept it? Whose is it?"
 
"If, Gotama, they do not accept it, I keep it. It is mine."
 

"Even so, Brahmin, you are abusing those who do not abuse, are angry with those who do not get angry, are quarreling with those who do not quarrel. As we do not accept it, Brahmin, all of this is yours. When, Brahmin, one abuses in return when abused, repays anger with anger, and quarrels back when quarreled with, this is called 'associating with each other in mutual exchange.' This kind of association and exchange we do not engage in. Therefore, Brahmin, you keep it. It is yours."
 
"The king and his people believe that the ascetic Gotama is an arhat [a fully enlightened person], and yet the good Gotama can get angry!"
 
The Buddha replied in verse:

"Where is anger for one freed from anger,

Who is subdued and lives perfectly equanimous,

Who truly knowing is wholly freed,

Supremely tranquil and equipoised?

"One who repays an angry person in kind

Is worse than the angry person;

Who does not repay anger in kind, 

That person alone wins the battle hard to win:

"One promotes the welfare of both, 

One's own as well as that of the other. 

Knowing that the other person is angry, 

One mindfully maintains one's peace

 

"And endures the anger of both,

One's own as well as that of the other,

Even if the people ignorant of true wisdom

Consider one a fool thereby."

 
When the Blessed One proclaimed this, the Brahmin Akkosa Bharadvaja responded:

Going forth (Nyanamoli Bhikkhu/Google Plus)

"Wonderful, O venerable Gotama! Herewith I go to the venerable Gotama (Buddha) for guidance, to the Teaching (Dharma) for guidance, and to the Noble Order (Arya Sangha) for guidance!

"Most venerable sir, may I have the privilege of receiving from the revered Gotama the initial and higher monastic ordinations?"
 
The Brahmin Akkosa Bharadvaja received from the Blessed One the initial and higher monastic ordinations. Then in no long time, Venerable Akkosa Bharadvaja -- living apart, secluded, diligent, zealous, and unrelenting -- reached that incomparable consummation of enlightenment for which those of noble families, having abandoned the household life, take to the life of wandering (the left-home life).

With direct knowledge he realized the ultimate, here and now, and lived having access to it. He saw with supernormal knowledge-and-vision: "Ceased is rebirth, lived is the higher life, completed is the spiritual task, and henceforth there is nothing higher to be achieved." Venerable Akkosa Bharadvaja, indeed, became one of the noble ones.

HOW TO abandon anger

Acharya Buddharakkhita (translator) BPS/ACI

Positive Response (Wisdom Quarterly)

The booklet Positive Response: How to Meet Evil With Good contains a collection of short sutras by the Buddha and a passage from the ancient Path of Purification, each preceded by a brief introduction by the translator. The unifying theme is called a "positive response" for dealing with provocative people and situations. The ancient texts set forth practical techniques taught by the Buddha for anyone to overcome anger, resentment, hatred, and other such defilements. Moreover, it shows how it is possible to cultivate elevating mental qualities like forbearance, goodwill, amity, and compassion. Anyone intent on spiritual development will find these practical instructions a great help to cleansing the mind/heart thereby unfolding its great hidden potentials. More

*Why was Akkosa angry?
PaliKanon.com

Angry and abusive (techenclave.com)

Akkosaka-Bhāradvāja was a Brahmin from Rājagaha (Rajgir). He was incensed that his eldest brother -- a member of the Bhāradvāja Brahmin clan and probably its head (KS.i.201, n. 4, see also Dhānañjānī -- had become a Buddhist monk after visiting the Buddha. He paid the Buddha a visit to abuse and insult him. But like his brother, he asked for ordination and later became an arhat (S.i.161f.; MA.i.808). "Akkosaka" was a nickname given to him by the Sangītikārā to distinguish him as the author of a lampoon of a large number of verses against the Buddha (SA.i.177). Asurindaka-Bhāradvāja was his younger brother (SA.i.178); he had two others, Sundarī-Bhāradvāja and Bilangika-Bhāradvāja, who also became disciples (lit. "hearers") who later also became arhats (DhA.iv.163).

Meditation for not yelling (video)

Kirsten Johnson (richerexperiences.com); CC Liu (ed.), Wisdom Quarterly

 Meditation = Not Yelling at anyone

 

Ever yell at a stranger? Has a stranger ever yelled back? Sadly, most of us probably answer yes to both! The temptation to yell came upon me this week.

In the heat of the moment it is a challenge to remember that just because we are invited to fight does not mean we have to RSVP. Being intensely emotional reactive, particularly with strangers, only results in toxicity in our body and theirs.

It's emotional poison we drink without even thinking. If we live in a city, it is not uncommon to see strangers yelling at each other, especially in traffic. Road-ragers are the worst.

WARNING: Graphic road rage violence, Los Angeles! (The Young Turks)

Ana Kasparian, Cenk Uygur, Steve Oh, and Hermela Aregawi discuss.*

 

A few days ago a stranger invited me to a fist fight in the parking lot of Whole Foods. Fortunately deep, mindful breaths helped me decline this invitation. It was tough to not engage. I can't imagine what I would have done to her.

She was texting with her back to one-way traffic, so I tapped my horn to alert her that a car (my car) was coming. It seems she was having a different experience. She turned around and started screaming at me. I cruised by her and parked. But not engaging was more difficult when I got out of my car. She ran up to me yelling, and my righteousness started doing flip-flops in my head. After all, I thought, "That's what horns are for!" That was the loud defensive truth blaring through my entitled head.

It's entirely possible for nice and lovely people like us to be provoked to act less than nicely. But there's a better way.
 

Hijack my amygdala?

Our brains are wired to be emotional, but not to be so reactive as they are. Emotions saved us back in our cave days when we needed to flee saber tooth tigers without thinking. (See the neuroscience details for our Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Faint Response in the Amygdala Hijack video). But thoughtless emotional reactions are not helpful in dealing with the stresses we commonly face today -- angry strangers, traffic, texts, calls, emails....
 

Yet, we can train our big brains and hearts through meditation and mindfulness. We can become less emotionally reactive. Observing our emotions and thoughts from a slight distance during meditation teaches us the true nature of emotions. They are not what they seem, not imperative, demands, but rather are more like warning lights on our dash boards -- something to notice and consider before acting. 

We can see them coming and going without attaching to them, without identifying with them as "self," without needing to find ourselves "in" them. This enables us to respond from values instead of reacting from emotions. Meditation benefits extend way beyond a temporarily peaceful mood!

We can observe anger, fear, or irritation without being swept away by anger, fear, or irritation.

 

We can recognize that we are angry. We may even want to excuse ourselves and leave the situation without the compulsion to react from the bubbling emotion. It is basically the difference between recognizing that we are feeling anger rather than falling under the spell that we are the anger we are feeling.

The interesting part for me is that I have learned to become grateful for these emotionally-triggered encounters.

Getting a side of cray-cray with the kale I ordered was not on my Whole Foods' shopping list. Nor is it something I would ever request. However, the net result is being able to practice grounding myself in my values and being less emotionally reactive. This is something I am interested in. And it definitely takes practice.

I would far rather practice with an angry and rude stranger than with someone I actually want to continue a relationship with.

*ROAD RAGE (June 21, 2012) "Three Los Angeles men were arrested in relation to a videotaped freeway fistfight inspired by road rage -- two are suspected of beating and kicking a man who was later arrested on suspicion of being involved in a similar altercation last month, authorities said Thursday. David Mendez, 21, and Edras Ramirez, 27, turned themselves in to a California Highway Patrol investigative services office in Hollywood at about 7:30 pm Wednesday and were arrested on suspicion of assault with a deadly weapon, CHP Officer Ming Hsu said. The man who was beaten in the video, identified as Jerry Patterson, was arrested without incident..." More (Robert Jablon/Huff Post)

• VIDEO: Shift happens: Mindfulness meditation benefits
• VIDEO: Introduction to meditation with Tara Brach
• Life is Right Now: Mindfulness with Jon Kabat-Zinn
• VIDEO: Coming to Our Senses (Jon Kabat-Zinn UCTV)