lindseyandhaley: Five Questions to Sexologist Dr. Jallen Rix: A Barefoot Men Exclusive!

I was familiar with the work of Dr. Jallen Rix, author ("Ex Gay, No Way") and speaker, and I contacted him to see if he might share his thoughts on a couple of questions for everyone at Barefoot Men. And he was so gracious and agreed to do it. That was awesome!

So here is a little bit on Dr. Jallen Rix:

Speaker, author, and educator, Jallen Rix holds a Doctorate of Education in Sexology from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, where he now teaches. He also has a private practice in Palm Springs California. He has been featured on Our America with Lisa Ling on the OWN Channel, and ABC’s News Magazine 20/20. His documentary, Lewd & Lascivious premiered at Frameline to sold-out crowds and won the 2014 AV Award form the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapists.

And here is Dr. Rix's thoughts on my five questions to him:

1. Why do you think it is important to embrace one's sexuality?

Sexuality is an aspect of our humanity just like our mentality or our spirituality. To accept one aspect yet stigmatize another (like, spirituality is good but sexuality is bad) creates all kinds of stress and adverse effects in our lives, to say the least. Further, I take a holistic approach to my sexuality, in that, I don’t conceive myself as part physical, part mental, part emotional, part sexual, etc… I believe we are at our best when we conceive ourselves as all spiritual, all sexual, all intellectual, and all at the same time. Therefore, let’s give all the aspects of ourselves unconditional love.

2. If I am correct, you talk about the importance of not being obsessed with having to have a partner but to enjoy the solo experience. Why do you feel that way?

There’s a romantic myth in our culture that suggests (cue the violins) “I am just half a person and somewhere out there is my other half” and it’s just a matter of sifting through enough mis-matches to find that “right one.” Although at times, it certainly can feel deeply satisfying in a relationship - “You complete me.” The reality is, no one really wants to be in a relationship with half a person. We want to be in deep connection with someone who has already done as much as possible to be completely themselves. We don’t just want to bring together two halves that make one whole. We want two whole people and as a result, we get to double our relationship resources. To do that, we as individuals need to already be satisfied with who we are, as best we can.

Sure, it’s great when a partner can support you during a hard time or when you’re feeling inferior. However, it’s not their responsibility to do the challenging work of becoming wholly you. That’s your job. Consequently, I work with a lot of clients who have gone from relationship to relationship trying to find in others what they need to find in themselves, which means s/he is contently happy with who they are, whether they are in a relationship, but most especially, when they are flying solo. I realize it sounds counterintuitive, but the happier you are as a single person often predicts how happy you will be in a relationship.

3. Can a man be too sexual?

This question is pretty broad to know exactly what you're asking, but here’s my take on it. Every society has boundaries of inappropriateness that the given society deems “bad” or “good.” These boundaries are extremely subjective and radically different depending on time and location. What is “too much” is also radically different from person to person - REALLY different. We have yet to understand just how widely diverse we are sexually mainly because we spend so much time using shame to avoid understanding our healthy pleasures.

That’s when sex might be “too much.” We can get caught up using sexuality compulsively to avoid the realities and responsibilities of our lives. But that’s singling out sex as the evil culprit of the problem when actually, we can use anything to compulsively avoid ourselves - food, drugs, alcohol, TV, sleep, work, and the list is endless. Yet, to call these items “the problem,” as in “too much sex,” is still avoiding the actual problem. It is like self-subterfuge. The actual problem is compulsively avoiding the tough work of being true to ourselves, regardless of what we’re using as avoidance. When you deal authentically with the realities of your life - painful and hard as they can be sometimes - the compulsivity gradually looses its power and life balances out.

Don’t get me wrong, of course it’s great to enjoy sex to chill out, take a break and have a wild escape. It’s great to have a valid amount of sexual excitement, pleasure and adventure in our lives. Just as most of us had to experiment and explore what it meant to be gay, we have to do the same with our sexual activity. It is our responsibility to determine what kind of sexual being we want to embody. The truth is I meet a lot more people who are petrified that they MIGHT be sexually compulsive than I ever meet actual sexually compulsive people. Unfortunately, that fear of being compulsive causes all kinds of trouble in bed, when they aren’t really that compulsive, just afraid. Again, if you do the work of being responsible and authentic with your life, it tends to all balance out.

4. We think of sex and youth together usually, maybe because we think of the sexual energy that we had in our 20s. Do you feel that a man can have better sex as he gets older?

Yes I do, mainly because much of sexual activity takes a certain amount of skill to be really good at it, just like playing a sport or learning a musical instrument. The more you do it, the better you get at it. As I think of it, though, honing your skills is not dependent on age, but it’s dependent on how much you practice, and let’s face it, a lot of older gentlemen have had a lot more time than younger guys to develop technique! I have learned a lot from sexual mentors over the years, and I know a number others - younger and older - who have learned a lot from me. The great thing is that it’s never too late to get some practice time in, whether alone or with a partner.

5. And since this is Barefoot Men, I have to ask...Would you send us some photos to include with this post (hopefully some of which show you barefoot!) LOL!

(Giggle!) Sure! The older I get (just kicked over the big 5-0 last year) the more I enjoy the pleasure of being comfortable with my body in front of the camera, especially after all the exercise I have put into it. For me, it really eradicates shame when I try to be myself in front of the camera instead of shrinking away (though I still check my hair in the mirror ahead of time). I continually am amazed to look at photos of myself back a decade or so and realize - damn! I wasn’t half bad! Why didn’t I show it off more!